I kept myself busy all day today. I didn’t spend much time thinking, I was busy posting … but when I was finally caught up with almost all my postings at around 6 p.m. it suddenly hit me …
My father died exactly five years ago today.
It wasn’t as if I didn’t realize it. I think I was blocking it out all day. But I kept seeing December 8th, December, 8, 2006, 12/8/2006 … all day … and it finally got to me. I let my guard down around six, and bang, I’ve been crying and crying. I can’t stop. Well I do for a bit, and then a song will come on the radio and the tears start to flow again.
My cheeks are burning. It’s like my tears are acid.
I know that if my dad didn’t die when he did, he would have gone downhill and he would have still been gone by the time this year arrived. He had major heart problems, and I guess in the end he was lucky. He didn’t feel very well for about a month before he died, and he might have suspected that it was coming, but he didn’t really suffer. Not like he could have ended up suffering anyway. He died quite peacefully in his sleep. Just the way I imagine he would have wanted.
It doesn’t help that my mother ended up having cancer and died two years after him. I’m mourning both of them today.
It doesn’t usually hit me this hard though. I guess I usually just deal with what life hands me, but today- I’m not dealing very well.